I hit the ball straight down the middle, a little bit left.

If that putt went straight, I would have had a four.

I was on the edge in two and took an eight. How can that be?

If I didn't go into that trap, I would be on the green.

If I had hit that ball about 50 yards more, it would have been in the hole.

Then while losing 10-1 at pool:
If that guy hadn't made that ball, I'd have cleaned his clock.

Eddie on golf after watching the golf channel:
"I've learned that you have to practice a lot to get good at this
game!"

Eddie   "If I hadn't turned 60, I'd still be 59"

Eddie sounding like Lee Trevino:
When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron.

Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.

No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine.

I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.

It's the most fun I've ever had with my clothes on.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they would have come up sliced

If my IQ had been two lower I'd have been a plant somewhere

It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played. All I hit were two good balls, and that was because I stepped on a rake!